What If I Stopped Half-Assing Everything?

So today is Day 1.

To be honest, I have no idea what I am supposed to write about.

My life has been a little busy lately. There are always things waiting for me.

And, as usual, the anxiety comes back.

My hands shake, and my heart beats so loudly.

I want to run away.

So I did

Yesterday, I took a one-hour train ride and went to the beach.

Nothing dramatic happened.

I did not suddenly discover the meaning of life.

I just sat on the train and somehow had one of the nicest naps I have had in the past few months.

For a little while, everything felt quiet.

Then I received a message.

And almost immediately, the anxiety came back.

That was when I started thinking.

Originally, I thought I was anxious because I was taking too many classes, doing too many projects, or simply making my life too busy. But this semester is actually pretty chill compared with some of my previous semesters.

So maybe it is not only about how much work I have.

Maybe it is something deeper.

Because if I keep facing the same situation again and again, there has to be something worth understanding. It feels like I am stuck in the same cycle.

The unfinished-task problem

I am really bad at dealing with unfinished things.

When there are too many tasks sitting in front of me, I start feeling overwhelmed.

Even when the deadline is still far away.

Even when nobody is rushing me.

Even when the deadline only exists because I decided that it should.

I start thinking about everything at once.

Then I do nothing.

And, obviously, doing nothing makes the anxiety worse.

It is a pretty ridiculous cycle when I write it down like this.

My phone is a black hole

I think this is also one of the reasons why I want to take a break from social media.

My phone sometimes feels like a black hole.

I open it for one thing, and somehow half a day disappears.

And the weirdest part is that I am not even enjoying most of the things I am scrolling through.

What do you mean I can spend hours looking at content that I do not even like?

I just want my attention back.

I miss the old version of me

I miss the little girl who could sit down and finish a book.

The girl who did not need to check her phone every five minutes.

The girl who could be interested in something simply because she liked it.

I do not think I can become exactly that person again.

And maybe I should not.

But I do want to recover some part of her.

The ability to focus, to be curious, to finish something without constantly escaping from it.

Why not?